I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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