Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
