NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
