Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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