When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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