turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
