Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
