Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
