He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
