I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
