He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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