we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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