my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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