Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
