There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
