It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
