Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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