My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
