the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
