I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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