Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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