why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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