I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
