i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
