So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
