So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
