When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
