Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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