Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize