I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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