I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
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