the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
