Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
