He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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