he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You don't make any sense
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