A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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