I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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