It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize