Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
