I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
