I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i came on her dog
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
