we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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