conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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