So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
