Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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