Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
