I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
