his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
