i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
