I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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