AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize