The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
