i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
