The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
