my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
