I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
