Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
